The Doctor Who Real Time Marathon: The Sea Of Death - The Snows Of Terror

Doctor Who - The Sea Of Death (11/04/04)

That was a bit odd. Terry Nation, the bloke who wrote the Dalek story, is back but this wasn't quite so well written. It's an interesting set up; TARDIS has brought them to Marinus and landed on an island in a sea of acid with a pyramid on it where an old man called Arbitan is the last guardian of The Conscience Of Marinus - a machine which was so powerful that it was able to control the thoughts of everyone on the planet so that evil was eliminated. I'm not entirely sure that's a good thing, but somehow a man called Yartek found a way of over-riding The Conscience's control, and he and his rubber-suited followers have been intermittently laying siege to the island ever since so they can destroy the machine or use it to make everyone corrupt. I think. It's all a bit vague.

Anyhow, Arbitan took the control keys out and hid them in various places on Marinus (presumably meaning that everyone can think for themselves now) while he made adjustments to The Conscience so it could over-ride Yartek's block. The repairs are done, but all the people Arbitan sent out to get the keys back haven't returned. I really don't know why he didn't just keep the keys as the island is pretty well defended and so far Yartek's followers have failed to get to The Conscience. Actually, it's a pretty stupid set up, but nonetheless, Arbitan has put up a force field around the ship so the Doctor et al. have no choice but to get all the keys for him. And find his missing daughter.

It's no good; the more I think about it, the more stupid it seems. And anyway, Arbitan has been killed by a Voord (one of Yartek's followers) while the Doctor, Susan and Ian have teleported (they have 'Travel Dials' to beam them to wherever the keys are) to the first location and found Barbara's Travel Dial with blood on it (she accidentally went ahead)! Despite the brainless premise, this quest storyline at least promises to be entertaining. I hope.

Doctor Who - The Velvet Web (18/04/04)

This week's episode was a good idea, well shot in places, but very badly written. Having arrived in the city of Morphoton (the clue is in the name) moments before the others, Barbara had panicked, scratching herself as she tore off the Travel Dial (badly enough to get blood all over it!). Going through a door, she met a man called Altos (who wears an almost indecently short tunic!) who explained that the city is most civilised (despite looking like a Mediterranean Renaissance palace), gave Barbara new clothes to change into and had a troupe of hypnotised lovelies bring her grapes, pomegranates and truffles (despite this being the alien planet of Marinus). She then lay on a chaise while the Doctor, Ian and Susan arrived.

Moments after she had.

Maybe... nah. That's just shit. Turns out everything's an hallucination brought about by the brains behind the city. Literally. The city is falling apart and its people are enslaved to provide their rulers with, well, whatever it is they need. They're brains with eyestalks in huge bell jars. What could they require?

As they slept, Sabetha (a slave, and Arbitan's daughter) put discs on everyone's forehead, but Barbara's fell off because she didn't remain absolutely motionless and on her back. So she started seeing everything for what it was while the others got brainwashed. She hid in a cell where Altos put Sabetha (who has the first key) and when Ian found her and took her to meet the brains she smashed the jars and freed the city. Actually, she only managed to smash one, but that seems to have done the trick and killed all the brains. As the slaves (rather foolishly) burnt the city, the Doctor revealed he was going ahead alone to get Key 4 while Altos (another of Arbitan's 'couriers') and Sabetha were going to help look for the other two. Then Susan beamed ahead to a screaming jungle.

A nice idea, but rather poorly delivered. Morphoton may as well have been Earth in the future. Entertaining enough, but best not analysed too closely.

Doctor Who - The Screaming Jungle (25/04/04)

Well, that was pretty awful! It was a nice basic idea but, again, was absolutely terribly written! Susan and Barbara have been reduced to screaming damsels in distress and Ian is their saviour. Altos is patronising and was barely in it and Sabetha, likewise, only there for exposition.

Barbara found the key on an idol in a tunnel in the jungle but the idol grabbed her and spun her round on a pivot through a wall. Luckily, she dropped the key so Altos and Susan went ahead to the next location while Ian set about rescuing Barbara. However, before following Altos, Sabetha noticed that the key was a fake (lucky!) so Ian knew he had to look for the key on the other side of the wall. Obviously.

He and Barbara then embarked on a poorly scripted episode of The Crystal Maze, avoiding traps and solving stupid riddles in order to get the real key. They encountered an old man, another one of Arbitan's colleagues, who promptly died after being strangled by a vine, but not before he'd told Ian the chemical formula on the label on the jar the key was hidden in whilst entirely neglecting to tell him it was what was written on the label on the jar the key was hidden in. Yep. Really.

Then Science Teacher Ian entirely failed to realise that what the old man had said sounded like a chemical formula, Barbara forgot that Susan had been terrified by a whispering screeching when she'd arrived, and they both ignored the old man's dying words about 'the whispering' coming at night. Seems he'd accelerated the growth rate of the jungle which 'came alive' and attacked everything at night, which makes no sense at all and still doesn't explain why the plants were attacking people during the day, nor why Ian and Barbara totally ignored it, or promptly forgot about it!

The whole plot relied on everyone being thick as pigshit and spouting some of the clunkiest dialogue I've ever heard! A journey with Marco Polo this is not! Unbelievably disappointing!

Doctor Who - The Snows Of Terror (02/05/04)

This week was better than last week, but that wasn't exactly difficult. The dialogue is still pretty awful and the plot often relies on the cast being incredibly stupid, and tends to be resolved by lucky coincidence. For example, when Susan and Sabetha chose the wrong of two possible exits from the caves in the ice mountain they reached a dead end, so turned back. The others had made their way to the ice caves and found Susan and Sabetha's dead fire in the main cave and thought they must have gone further into the mountain. Luckily, rather than go back to the main cave and try the other exit tunnel, that's exactly what they'd done. Moments later, Ian's going on about how the next key 'must' be in the ice caves somewhere. Luckily, it was!

Prior to this, upon arriving in the frozen wastes of, wherever, Barbara became very tired and lay down to sleep despite Ian's protests that they'd freeze to death. Then he did the same. Luckily, they were rescued by a trapper named Vasor. Unluckily, he's a 'bad man' who has stolen Altos, Susan and Sabetha's Travel Dials and the other keys, left Susan and Sabetha with food, wood and a flint in the ice caves and been forced to help Altos carry Ian and Barbara to his cabin. Then Ian sold his Travel Dial for furs so he could go looking for Altos who Vasor had left tied and unconscious somewhere outside where Ian was lucky enough to find him. I mean, for fuck's sake, Ian! You've just buggered off leaving Barbara with a creepy stranger! Cue incredibly-difficult-to-watch scene where Vasor chases Barbara around his cabin with the clear intent of raping her! WTF?!? Ian and Altos turned up in time to help, then they all forced Vasor to take them to the others in the cave, but stupidly left the Dials and keys Barbara had found behind in the cabin.

The next key was in a block of ice in a cave with some frozen Medieval knights (eh?) and a pipe system channelling hot water to melt the ice and thaw the knights (EH???) who then chased everyone once Sabetha had grabbed the key, and killed Vasor having chased them back to his cabin.There was some bollocks about a rope bridge which showed Susan being braver than she has in weeks, but it was all a bit naff.

And now Ian has been knocked out in a museum containing the final key. Ugh.