The Doctor Who Real Time Marathon: The Ice Warriors

The Ice Warriors - ONE (11/11/07)

Hmmm. More ice and snow. The TARDIS has landed in a future where the Polar ice caps are advancing and threatening to destroy society (so sometime next year then!) at a station in a listed building that is bombarding the glaciers (in Scotland?) with Ions in order to hold them back. The Doctor narrowly averted a disaster and was eventually enlisted by Leader Clent as a scientific adviser, replacing his last one who's gone Scavenger with some hairy Scot!

Meanwhile, one of the scientists has found a heavily armoured body out in the ice and brought it back to thaw at the research centre. However, this isn't just any old Viking (obviously) as the helmet has circuitry in it. The Doctor, Clent, Miss Garrett and the other scientists have gone off leaving Jamie and Victoria alone with the body to discuss the fact that all the women at the facility wear can-you-see-my-minge mini-skirts which shocks Victoria but clearly gives Jamie a woody (and in that kilt!). But the body has begun to wake up! BA-BA-BA-BOM!!!

It's different to the last story in all things but snow - no wonder Jamie assumed they were just further up the mountain! Not sure what to think of it yet as the science seems fundamentally flawed, but I'm no expert. It's an interesting idea, but I'm going to have to see how this 'alien waking up after centuries of being frozen' plot pans out. Oh, and there's a daft, clicky-voiced computer shaped like a compressed butt plug that's in charge of everything - I imagine that's going to go wrong at some point and try to kill everyone. Time will tell...

The Ice Warriors - TWO (18/11/07)

So. The alien is called Varga and comes from Mars. He knocked Jamie out and took Victoria with him, and from her he learnt that he was revived using power packs which he has stolen and taken to revive the other four Martians that were buried beside his spaceship when it crash landed thousands of years ago. He plans on returning to Mars once he's revived his crew and released his ship from the ice. Fair enough.

Meanwhile, the computer, asked to define the situation by Leader Clent (who had a bit of a run in with Varga) has reached the conclusion that the Martian spaceship poses a threat since, if they use the Ioniser and hit the engines, it will cause a massive explosion which will destroy the facility. I said the computer was going to do something like that! In the middle of this, Penley (the renegade scientist) returned to the facility to get drugs for his injured mate, met the Doctor, but refused to help. Don't blame him, really!

This story's beginning to have quite an interesting premise. At the moment, all the Martian wants to do is revive his crew and go home. However, Clent is a slave to his computer and risks fucking the whole thing up simply because the computer has labelled the Martian ship a threat to the mission. It's got potential!

The Ice Warriors - THREE (25/11/07)

This week Varga freed his crew and took Victoria aboard his ship after digging out a cave to the door. Arden (the scientist who found the Martian) and Jamie went out to find the Martian ship (and Victoria) whilst Miss Garrett (first name Jane) followed Penley (first name Eric) back to his shelter (a plant museum) to try (in vain) to persuade him to come back to the facility. Instead, he told her to read his notes on the Omega Factor which ultimately proved useful to the Doctor meaning he could solve the World Glacier Problem.

Then Arden and Jamie found the Martian ship but Varga et al. shot them down. For a moment it looked like Jamie'd been killed off, but Penley witnessed it and dragged Jamie back to the museum where (alas, alack) it was revealed he'd just been stunned. Anyhow, Victoria somehow managed to sneak out the Martian ship and into the cavern, garb Arden's communicator and get in touch with the facility, at which point the Martians had a discussion about the fact that she was smart enough to sneak out the ship without them knowing but stupid enough to hang around within metres of it whilst she told her friends and think they wouldn't notice. Thus they chose to aim what appears to be a small, glowing dildo at her. Cue theme tune.

Whilst this was actually quite a good episode, I can't help noting that the most interesting thing about it was learning Penley and Miss Garrett's first names. Also, thinking about it, this is the second Eric we've had in the space of three stories. Obviously, Eric is a popular name in the future, no doubt thanks to the future being populated by gay men and Role Players naming offspring after Eric McCormack off 'Will & Grace' and the annoying Cavalier from the 'Dungeons & Dragons' cartoon. Or maybe not. Maybe everyone just loves 'South Park' character. Who knows, in a couple of stories time we might have a character that mumbles a lot or a stereotypical Jew!

The Ice Warriors - FOUR (02/12/07)

To be quite honest I didn't pay much attention this week. There was a lot of Victoria being chased through ice caves by a Martian who was crushed in an ice fall, and when she did eventually get out she met Penley's Crusty mate, Storr, who wanted to help the Martians because they were 'against the scientists'. They took Victoria hostage again and killed Storr for his trouble because he wasn't a scientist and, thus, no use to them.

Meanwhile, the Doctor, having sorted out Clent's problems, went off to rescue Victoria, bumped into Penley at the plant museum (which was being destroyed by the glacier) then went on to the Martian ship where they trapped him in the airlock and started to pump out the air in order to get information from him.

To be frank, I'm not sure what to make of this. It's like the need for jeopardy is interfering with what are essentially quite good monsters. Basically, all the Martians want to do is go home, but every 25 minutes they get the compulsion to do something nasty to the Humans which, in the long run, isn't going to get them any closer to blasting off this icy future Earth. Granted, that's the nature of the show, but in that case why not give them more villainous motives? As I said before, this story has potential. It's just not quite making it. Which is sad.

The Ice Warriors - FIVE (09/12/07)

Oddly enough, the Martians didn't kill the Doctor in the airlock with the depressurisation. They let him in instead and allowed him to procrastinate for an episode.

Meanwhile, Penley dragged Jamie (whose legs are paralysed thanks to the Martian ray guns) to the Science Dome, getting molested along the way by a Stock Footage Baby Bear. They overpowered it with a stun gun allowing them to reach the Dome where Penley have a very long-winded argument with Clent who won when he used the stun gun on Penley and Jamie because he wasn't winning the argument.

Back at the Martian ship, Varga aimed his Dildo-gun at the Dome but the Doctor attacked the controller Martian (Zondal) with Ammonium Chloride (or, as Victoria noted thanks to her Classical education, a stink bomb - lethal to nitrogen breathers) and there was a struggle over the end credits as the Doctor tried to prevent Zondal from firing the Dildo-gun.

Interesting to note, this episode, that since it was actually Victoria who splashed the Ammonium Chloride in Zondal's face, if he dies that makes her a murderer - something she should realise since the Doctor told her it may be lethal to aliens. Even though I'm largely siding with the Martians in this story, a large part of me hopes Zondal bites the dust. It would make Victoria a much more interesting character!

The Ice Warriors - SIX (16/12/07)

Victoria didn't kill Zondal. The Martians invaded the Dome very quickly and easily, the Doctor fired their gun (after minor alterations) thinking it would give the Humans a headache but possibly kill the Martians - instead it knocked all the Humans unconscious and the Martians walked back to their ship looking a bit miffed.

The Martians decided to try and take off, the Humans got all dramatic and decided they couldn't run the risk of using the Ioniser, so Penley took control and blasted the Martians into, er, ions.

To be blunt, I haven't a clue what all this was about. It was entertaining enough and the Martians were a really cool alien race which seemed to have a lot going to begin with, but they just weren't explored properly and it seemed to devolve into a 'should Humans put their trust in computers or their own judgement' parable; the answer being no, not really, but science is good so don't turn your back on it else you'll end up like the hairy Scottish dude. In the end, the computer had a seizure and the Doctor, Jamie and Victoria left when nobody was looking. Again. I'd like to see more of the Martians if only because, well, they're Martians! Or Ice Warriors. But I hope the plot's a bit easier to understand if they do return. Entertaining, but ultimately unsatisfying.