The Doctor Who Real Time Marathon: The Twin Dilemma

THE TWIN DILEMMA (Part One) 22/03/2024

First thing of note is that the opening titles are much more colourful with lots of rainbow light spots bursting from around Colin Baker's head and a somewhat degraded Neon Logo which looks like it's a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy. Still, it's a better image of the Doctor than of either Tom or Peter since they brought in the 'starfield' credits background.

I wish I could be as positive about the episode itself. I seem to be doing a lot of sighing whilst I figure out what to write, which is never a good sign. How the hell am I going to tackle this episode?

Colin. Well, he's not bad. Some of the time. They've gone for a start much like what Tom had (and if you don't recall my feelings about Robot, you can read my blog here). However, where Tom was given the opportunity to win us over with his personality (given it was so big), Colin seems to have had his own only visible between outbursts of ham acting, overblown dialogue and attacks of mania. It would seem something has gone wrong with the regeneration, which I think is, in theory, an interesting idea but in practice is really, really fucking stupid. The Doctor's brusque tone in the earlier scenes were actually quite nicely Hartnell-esque, especially given Peri's rather rude comments on his looks, and there were hints at Colin actually being quite good, but they were immensely undermined by some absolutely awful dialogue and directorial choices which made it feel very Am-Dram, even Pantomime-esque (and not in the good way). At one point the Doctor tried to strangle Peri and, given that it was during one of his manic attacks, this would've been okay if it hadn't been followed by utterly unfathomable scenes of him deciding to fuck off to an uninhabited asteroid to repent as a hermit with Peri as his 'chosen' acolyte.

Frankly, much of the writing here sucks balls, and they're the balls of an old, homeless guy who refuses to use shelters and wash, and has lived like that for the last thirty years. The script and direction failures don't stop there, either. Obviously. We have, of course, the titular twins, Romulus and Remus (WHY?) who are, apparently, mid-teen geniuses with mathematical skills that would make Adric look like a moron. They're played by actual mid-teen twins with barely any acting skills and the plumiest accents I've ever heard which make me wonder if they're actually even English! They sound like Jonathan Ross and Princess Anne's love-children! And they've been kidnapped by an old man called Professor Edgeworth (and I imagine their unseen mother will be immensely relieved) at the behest of a telepathic slug-creature called Mestor. 

We've seen very little of him, but the design isn't great. He's a bit more organic-looking than the Tractators, but he's got bug-eyes on antennae on top of his head (like a slug) which would be fine if he didn't have two big nose holes right where the actor's eyes would be which are covered in clear Perspex which, if they didn't look exactly like the Perspex eye holes in a rubber suit for an actor to see through, would look like Mestor is currently suffering from a rather nasty cold.

Then there's the rest of the cast. We've got the twins' ineffectual dad, in every way. There's a Space Police Force in Space Police Force tunics who are so embarrassingly wooden and given such ridiculous lines you might almost believe they're a local Am-Dram group standing in whilst the real Space Police Force are off on their Easter break. The most competent of these is Hugo Lang, who led the team that went after the twins, and is the only survivor having been (conveniently) shot down and crashed onto the asteroid the Doctor chose to use to repent on. There are also some rather decent bird-aliens working for Mestor. Finally, something positive! The design, with dark colours and feathers and a sort of beak-thing going on (a bit like D'Argo from Farscape) is possibly the best thing about this episode aside from the model work, which is also not too shoddy.

Frankly, though, the scripting, direction and acting in this episode was largely fucking shite. The interaction between the new Doctor and Peri feels like it's meant to be going somewhere but fails to explore the fact that Peri has literally only just met the Doctor and he just DIED saving her life, and that she has no idea what regeneration is, unlike her predecessor and the audience. There's a scene where the Doctor picks out an outfit which would make the Pied Piper embarrassed and Peri, understandably, says "Yuck!" but then she changes into something almost equally as bad! The twins had green rings put on their wrists to hypnotise them, but they only seemed to last until they got onto the bird-people's ship, and when brought out of their cell and told to sit on a couple of sofas they each lay on one in the most unnaturalistic way imaginable!

I want to like the new Doctor. I want to be more positive. There were some good bits this week. But I'm really sorry; this episode, especially following not only The Caves Of Androzani but also the rest of Season 21, was absolute fucking shite.

THE TWIN DILEMMA (Part Two) 23/03/2024 

I really wish I was enjoying this story more but it is SO badly written. I can see that they're trying to make the new Doctor vastly different to the last, and there are elements of Tom Baker in there, in that they're making him unpredictable, but they're going about it the wrong way. Most of the dialogue between the Doctor and Peri for the majority of the episode, including the stupid debate about Lieutenant Lang and whether to give him medical aid, was awful. Couldn't they have got someone in to write Colin's debut who had experience with the show? It worked for Davison's finale, and Anthony Steven has never worked on the series before. Previously, we've had David Whitaker, Robert Holmes, Terrance Dicks and Chris Bidmead penning the all-important Doctor's debuts, all of whom had either previously written more than one script for the show, worked as Script Editor, or both, and here we have a first timer seemingly trying his hardest to show exactly why you need someone who understands the show and its lead to break in a new Doctor.

I'm not letting Eric Saward off the hook, either. What the fuck is he thinking? He's the Script Editor, for fuck's sake! It's his responsibility to ensure the scripts aren't shit! How and why did he let any of this make it to the screen?

This episode had several 'WHY?' moments. Apparently, the green rings on Romulus and Remus' wrists have given them amnesia which was revealed in a throwaway line this episode. They refused to continue to do their Equations (which, apparently, will result in creating power equal to that of a sun) and, because Edgeworth was being lenient, Mestor appeared as a hologram and said he could remove the twin geniuses brains and use them how he wished if they didn't co-operate, but if he's such a badass, why the hell doesn't he??? It would be much more expedient than relying on a couple of petulant teenagers to agree to doing his maths and, frankly, a lot more gratifying to the audience! 

The design continues to be all over the place. The bird people are still the best work on the story, but their silly, silver-spangled spaceship set looks embarrassingly cheap, and post-op Hugo Lang visited the wardrobe and picked out a tunic which made him look like a Christmas Tree decoration, which coincidentally, also had the powerpack to his pistol that Peri had hidden. No doubt she didn't bank on him having worse taste in clothes than herself and the Doctor combined!

The episode wasn't entirely a pile of unwatchable shite, though. From the moment the Doctor realised 'Edgeworth' is in fact another Time Lord, named Azmael, who was once great friends with the Doctor and last saw him on a drunken night out by a fountain, we actually started to get a feel for who the new Doctor is. Colin was really good in these scenes, and in the subsequent sequences where he rescued Peri from their soon-to-be-blown-up prison. I'm really hoping the meeting has resulted in an end to all the ridiculous posturing, overblown dialogue, and badly scripted 'unpredictability' of the new incarnation because the last five minutes actually showed what Colin is capable of in the role. The fact that the episode ended with a decidedly unflattering close up of Peri's gurning face as she cried over the possibility of the Doctor being blown up at the base didn't help matters, but at least Colin's performance toward the end made me hope it wasn't likely.

I know I bitched about how fucking atrocious Tom Baker's first story was and I still think it's the worst serial we've had so far, but I really hope this one doesn't take its place. After such a great season, this, for 50% of its running time, has been 90% terrible. Tom, at least, was likeable by the end of the first episode. Colin, so far, has only shown glimpses of how good he could be. And after two very good stories, Peri is pretty annoying, too. And are they building up to introducing Hugo as Turlough's replacement, because it certainly feels that way? Yet, if they are, he's not getting much to do! I didn't actually think I'd write this much about the episode - it was pretty awful. I really hope next week sees a huge improvement.

THE TWIN DILEMMA (Part Three) 29/03/2024 

So, this episode wasn't as bad as the last two, but it was still a bit of a chore. A lot of the problem is the dialogue. It veers between unnaturalistic and shit. Far too much time is being spent on creating an unbelievable and distracting conflict between the Doctor and Peri (and Hugo) and not enough on telling the actual story.

We did actually get some backstory and motivation this week, though, so it wasn't all bad. Turns out Azmael rules Jaconda which, centuries ago, was ravaged by a species of Humanoid Gastropod who were eventually wiped out by a drought. It's gone down in the planet's mythology, but it seems some eggs survived and the Giant Gastropods have returned and made the once beautiful and verdant Jaconda look like a sand quarry in Gerrard's Cross. Azmael has been deposed by Head Slug Mestor, who has decided to kidnap the twins so that they can calculate how to move the system's two outer planets to orbit Jaconda and and act as their vegetable garden whilst Jaconda remains their barren home base. The plot doesn't make much sense, and the twins (who were mercifully in this episode far less than the last two) have said it won't work, as has the Doctor, but it'll do.

I'm warming to Hugo, too, despite the fact that he looks like he's dressed in a bunch of Quality Street wrappers, and he's got a decent rapport with Peri, so I expect he'll replace Turlough for the next series. I just hope he gets a change of clothes! The Jacondans are pretty decent aliens, too. I like the fact that they're not quite birds with some of them having horns. Their design is incredibly good! Not so for the Giant Gastropods. I've decided that the snot holes are actually 'eyes' because the camera often crops out their antennae, and when Azmael was talking to Mestor he was looking at the snot holes and not the obvious eyestalks on the top of his head. There's also an issue (in every meaning) with how the Gastropods travel. It's obvious that they shuffle along on the lower end of their bodies but leave a rapidly solidifying mucus trail in their wake - this was made explicit when Hugo trod in one and got stuck. However, this clearly isn't the case with Mestor as we saw him leave his throne room and visit the scientific quarters (which also seems to be a hatchery - either that or they really love plus-size Tic Tacs) and there were no mucus trails to be seen where he'd been, er, slithering. Frankly, the Gastropod design is both better and much, much worse than that of the Tractators whilst being very similar. The difference is that the Tractators were in a vastly better story. And that's the main problem here.

I suppose I'd better say something about Colin's Doctor. He was better this week, but he's been given some of the worst dialogue any Doctor has had which is really fucking bad for his first story. They made a huge thing today about how he lacks compassion which, frankly, should not be a consideration. Plus this was highlighted by Peri being given the line "That's the difference that remains between us". Are you fucking kidding me? Who speaks like that??? And we also had the Doctor try and strangle Azmael. 

Right at the end, Peri got caught by Mestor's guards and Hugo stumbled into the hatchery to inform the Doctor just before collapsing, then Azmael said she would have to die, at which point the Doctor showed more concern for her than he has in any of the last three episodes. I'm not impressed by this. Robot was shite, but at least the Doctor was immediately recognisable as the Doctor and the script, whilst shit, wasn't lumbered with awful dialogue. What the hell was Saward thinking letting this get filmed?

THE TWIN DILEMMA (Part Four) 30/03/2024 

If I were to say that this episode was actually the best of this story it wouldn't actually mean that much because the preceding three parts have been unbelievably bad. I will, however, start by saying that, for the first time, we actually got an inkling of an idea of how Colin Baker ,might turn out as the Doctor, and in a good way. Incredibly odd, frozen 'thinking' postures aside, his characterisation was, for the first time, consistent and felt very Doctorish. Not even the cod dialogue and clumsy direction prevented you from seeing that he might be a very good Doctor. He feels a lot like Tom's incarnation (which isn't great, but is at least something we can relate to) and is a clear contrast to Davison. He also has a moral compass and was given some decent scenes facing off against Mestor and, prior to that, working out what Mestor's actual plan was. The relationship with Peri needs severe work, though, and his final line "I am the Doctor, whether you like it or not" felt like nothing more than an attempt to rile the fans and was, frankly, the worst way of ending the season. 

It feels like Eric Saward is intentionally trying to give Colin the worst start imaginable. And it is Eric because he's the Script Editor and has been for nearly three years. This isn't like Terrance Dicks writing a frankly awful story to shaft the new Production Team (NB - I don't think that's what he did, that's just what it felt like at the time) with a new Script Editor. This is an incumbent Script Editor failing to make a substandard script broadcastable, or failing to understand the series and its lead, what makes good drama, and how to craft good television. I like the idea of making the new Doctor abrasive and unpredictable - that's how Hartnell and Tom were and has been elemental to Pat and Jon's portrayals - but to have the Doctor SO badly presented and SO badly written for the first three episodes of his first story is unforgivable.

And the entire serial was very badly written. I'm very sorry to Anthony Steven, but the dialogue was fucking shite. And again, this is something Saward should have sorted out pre-production. But he didn't. He just let it through. Was he too busy working on his Dalek story? John Nathan-Turner isn't much better, but he wasn't the one overseeing the scripts! I feel really sorry for Colin because he was really quite good in this episode, but the rest of the story did him absolutely zero favours and it's going to take a lot of work to build him up from this.

Okay, positives: I really liked Hugo and was very surprised when they left him behind to rule Jaconda (Steven Taylor-style) because he had a very good rapport with Peri and I think the Sixth Doctor and Peri might need an intermediary to make their relationship work in the same way as the Fourth Doctor and Sarah needed Harry. And thank fuck he ditched the Quality Street jacket! The Jacondans looked great, and the variety of the characters and the subtle differences between how they all looked was very good. The plot, in the end, made a little bit of sense, but why was it necessary to have twin geniuses kidnapped? It just ended up with the story being lumbered with two teenagers who couldn't act. If Mestor had wanted the Doctor to make the calculations for his nefarious plan and kidnapped him while his mind was a mess we might have ended up with an almost workable story, but instead it was the story which was a mess. And now we have to wait nine months before we see how Colin's Doctor develops. I'm feeling deflated!

It feels like they've set the Sixth Doctor up for a fall and whilst I appreciate that they're trying to make the new Doctor different to his predecessor I don't think they could have done it in a worse way. Perhaps it would have been better for them to just wait until next year to introduce the new Doctor, because this has been a difficult story to watch, and is a characterisation which needs more than four episodes to allow to settle in with the fans and the general audience. At the end of a really very good and incredibly well structured season, this was a terrible way to end it, and that makes me very sad.